I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.
And by lately I mean the last day or two.
I have realized that yes, this situation sucks
but in reality






I am over reacting about this.
I don't need someone else to make me happy.
Look at how long I have been single and I am fine.
Look at where I have made it with little support.
Look at what I can do on my own.

Don't get me wrong. The perks of that other person
are quite nice. I am not going to say I don't miss
the sleep overs, cuddling, and little kisses on the back of the head.
Because I do miss that. But I can do with out that in my life right now.


I'm going to start looking at myself in a different way.
I'm going to try and be the hero I need.



I'm going to solve the problems I have. Face my problems head on.
Running away from the problems and pretending they don't exist is not
and option for me anymore. I'm going to start being that bitch that
everyone is scared of because I say what is on my mind. If I don't
start getting things off my chest I think I will go crazy (in a different
way than I already am. lol)

I don't want to be the person that runs away anymore. I want people to
understand me. At least on the surface. It gets tricky the farther down you
go into my brain. I have such good people around me here and at home that I
need to start taking their advice.

I don't want to become this type of person.

So I had the weirdest dream ever last night.

It was all of us girlies in Johnny's or some place like that. And we have this cute young guy as our waiter. Well he proceeds to jump over the booth and sit down while taking our drink order and everyone orders water except when we get to Sarah she says she wants a Margarita. We all look at Sarah like she is crazy and he is looking at her and says alright, I'll be right back with that. Then my alarm went off.

It is so weird that I remember it because I never remember my dreams.


Okie so I'm going to write it here how we became official so I don't have to tell everyone a gazillion times.

I went to see The Haunting in Connecticut with Keegan, Dan, and Dan's brother. Then we went to Steak N Shake and got some nom noms. When we got back I had homework to do so I went back to my room. I got a text from Tim.. here is the text convo.

Tim: Where are you
Me: I has homework
Tim: we need to talk
Me: okie.. when and where (I'm freaking out because that normally means bad)
Tim: Outside, now.

So I walk downstairs and he is outside having a smoke by himself.
I sit down next to him and asked what was going on. He said You know I really like you
and I have something to tell you but I don't know if you will be mad or not. So I was like
okie.. and he said will you be my girlfriend. I almost pushed him off the table. I was so angry.

But happy.

so then I hear this voice say What did she say! and Tim yells yes! and three of his friends jump out of the bushes and run towards us. I was like wait.. Keegan.. Dan.. Levi.. What!?

I felt like I was getting punked (but like not really punked punked)

Ahhh crazy night.

Yeah this past week has just been up and down. I have been so busy and freaking out, and then I have been so relaxed and lazy. My inner Event Planner came out of me these last few weeks. I was trying to coordinate all this PostSecret stuff: trying to figure out how many tickets to get, who was going, who wanted to go, begging for tickets, figuring out who was driving, who was riding with who, making sure people forked over gas money. Sheesh. I really liked it, but it was stressful when I didn't have concrete answers in front of me.

BUT,

I do have to say I am now able to cross one thing off of my list to do before I die. I have never listened to a more charismatic, honest person. Not that I have been to many lectures but he is a genuine person. He really cares about the secrets that come in. He believes that it is helping people, because it has. He has heard of so many stories of how just lifting one burden from your chest can safe your life.

I really didn't believe it till he had people come up to the mics and reveal secrets. I truely felt for those people. Whether it was them coming out to their parents, trading secrets with their best friends and saving their life, or how a girl hasn't cut in 6 months.

I felt for these people, I wanted to run up to complete strangers, hug them, and tell them that everything will be alright because they are not the only people hurting. They are not alone.

The girl that said she hasn't cut in 6 months.. she really made me want to cry. It hit home so much. I have had two close friends that have done that to the point of almost no return. I know that it is an addiction and just as hard to kick as meth, or alcohol. I felt for her, I was so proud of her. I wanted to stand up and clap, I wanted to cry tears of joy with her.

I'm vowing to write down my secrets. Ones that even my closest friends don't know about me. Ones that I am afraid to admit to myself. The ones that creep into my brain when I have too much time to think, the ones that I push back for fear they are real. I'm going to share them with my best friends. Then I'm going to mail them in, or maybe I will keep them as a reminder. A reminder of what I'm not sure yet. I'll let you know when I know.

People like Frank Warren restore my faith in humanity.


"There are two kinds of secrets: the ones we keep from others, and the ones we keep from ourselves."
-Frank Warren


Tonight has been amazing. I connected on a deeper level with one of my friends here. We shared so much in the 15 minute drive into Charleston. He told me that he has never had friends like me (and the rest of the group here). He said that the last two years here were horrible and that he really appreciates us. I almost cried. I never thought that I could make that much of an impact on someones life. I never knew that just being me, being crazy, spontaneous, nutty tara would turn someones life from dull and hating school to fun and loving to hang out.

I told him how I never had many friends in high school really till my senior year. I told him how they all left me to go to college that next year. I told him how my friends now are the best thing that has ever happened to me. How much strength they give me is so amazing. I told him I couldn't live without these girls. That they mean that much to me. But that so do my friends here. I told him I am a lucky ass girl to have such amazing friends.



Someone is waiting to hear your voice. Let it be heard.

My email worked.
I'm so happy.
Oh sheesh.
I pulled it off.

My literature class is going to be interesting and fun. We just got done reading Bastard out of Carolina. I strongly recommend this to read. It evokes alot of emotions from you. I'm pretty sure I laughed, cried, swore, and threw the book. Anyway, the great thing about this class is my teacher likes to use YouTube videos to show us the time period and what the author had to say about the novel. I'm not really big on country music or nine inch nails, but this song.. it just fit. I wanted to cry at the end of it, and I've heard it before. Watching the video just added that much more emotion. I don't know if it is because I have grown up and realize the impact of certain subjects now or what. So take the time and watch this. Please?




Okay, then in one of my other classes today, Intro to Mass Communication, we are talking about the invention of radio. I already know most of this because of my class last year, Intro to Radio and Tv. Anyway, the point is I feel like we are not on the verge of anything exciting like they were back then. We watched a documentary on the beginning of Radio and I realized (not for the first time) how different the world was just a mere 70 years ago. I know that there is always new technology coming out, but most of it is not, I don't want to say exciting or revolutionary, but those are the only words coming to my mind right now. I guess I'm just really curious on how the world was back then. I want to know what it was like to drive in a Model T when they could only go a max of 40mph. I want to know what it was like without so much technology, even though I doubt I could live without my technology. I want to know what it was like to have horses in downtown New York. I feel like their lives were so much more thrilling and daring.

Maybe I'm just not living my life to its full potential and that is why I am thinking like this.

My brother and I are so fracking alike.
He called me tonight and we argued and talked
about books. I never ever thought he would read
for fun. Then we talked about my new obsession:
The Big Bang Theory. And he told me he loves it
too. It is kind of creeping me out.. but then
again I like it. I am so use to fighting with
him.. but this.. this is cool.

But we had to cut our conversation short because
he had to feed little baby Dalyla:






I can't wait till I have enough money to go to Texas for a visit.

Welcome to our fucked up family.



She was born yesterday afternoon.
I can't believe my big brother has a family now.
I never ever thought he would grow up and reproduce.

So the official count now is 4 nephews and 3 nieces.

_______________________________

Today was day two of spring semester.
I think this semester is going to be interesting.
Hard, but interesting.

Some interesting things happened today in my Literature
class. The professor was asking what is a good read and he said
it seems like lately a book needs something that starts with
a "v" and ends with an "e" to be considered good.
Some chick was like a beginning, middle, and end.
And he was like I was thinking more along the lines of vampires.
I giggled at that.
Then a little later he asked us what specific books we think are
good reads. Some people were bold enough to shout out what
they liked. Then he was saying there are so many types of novels
out there: like adult fiction, young adult fiction, and girl porn like
Twilight.
That made me almost pee my pants.
hahahah

I'm going to like him, I think.

I am only getting 5 hours a week working at the desk.
This is a freaking accursed town.
So now its time to look for another job.
greaaat.

"There are three lost continents: we are one: the lovers.
Who knows how to make love stay?
Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself.
Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and end of time,
Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon"


Who knows how to make love meander into your life?
Who knows how to make that love pure?
Who knows how to keep that love around?
Who knows anything about love?

I feel like even people that have been married for years and years
are still learning the quirks of love. I have a fear that I will never
have the opportunity to try and figure out those quirks.

I have been thinking about relationships alot lately.
I don't know why that has been on my mind so much.
But it has been, and it is driving me crazy.

Why does not having a significant other drive us so crazy?
Why do we want to pull our hair out with frustration.
Why do we wonder why we aren't good enough for love?

Why does love make us so crazy?


I have so many questions, and yet no answers come to mind.

Nothing can ease my mind.
All this thinking is becoming overwhelming.
I just need some butterflies or anything that
will show me I am worthy of love.

I haven't checked this since Wednesday or Thursday and you people are writing too much for me to keep up! haha

So I am posting this in reply to all of you.



Sarah (GPS)
I am coming over to play xbox with you.
I love it. We can make pizza and drink soda
and play and have fun and dress up and take
pictures and have all that fun.

Oh and speaking of pictures. If you think
that doing that for your profession will ruin
the fun of photography don't do it. But keep
in mind that your full time job may take up so
much time that you won't have time to do much
of any photography..

Amanduhh
I really want to see you soon. You need a
break and a great Tara hug. :D But really
you seem like you are stressing alot. If you
want to/ can afford to (for I am broke also and
know how you feel) come over any time, even if
I am working, you have a place to stay. :D
Just because I love you so.

Katie
I really need a nickname for you. And you need to
get off that lump and come party with us! hahaha
Really though, I want to come over and chill with you
sometime. It is nice just to have movie days and whatnot.
But! we all need to get together soon too.
And True Blood > Gossip Girl.
:P

Rachel!
My mind is not ALWAYS in the gutter. But 99.99% of the time
it is. So you are right to assume I will think that way.
I know what you mean by the intimate touches. But hey you
are a lucky gal, I bet you will be getting some of that soon.
hahah Oh and thanks for inviting me to lunch, even though I didn't
wake up in time and you couldn't go. I really appreciate you thinking
of me!


Sammie (Little One)
Uh, I don't know what to say to you. I just didn't want to
leave you out. hahah
I miss you and hopefully, if you and GPS are still hanging
out later tonight would love to see you! Otherwise we are
organizing a girls night party.. Maybe saturday? Or sunday
after La Dispute?



And as for myself. I have just been working and rereading Eragon.
I have been quite bored and am ready to have some fun. I only have
three weeks home. Make it fun people!

I was up till three this morning. I did not know that it had snowed.
Our curtains were even open for some reason. I guess I really was
out of it. I was so excited to come home. Now, not so much.

I hate visitations.
I hate funerals.
I hate that (it seems like) everyone around me is dying.













p.s. I just took a final in 12 minutes.

Do you think it is possible for someone to change and not realize it?
That maybe some of the things people have been telling them for so
long are finally attempting to sink in. Even if it is only a little bit?

A little bit of sinking in is better than none at all right?
I think that maybe I can start taking some of the things
that people have been telling me lately into consideration.


Maybe I should.
Maybe I have changed more than I thought I had this semester.

I have always known I have been stuck in a rut. For my whole life, a big rut. I have never known
my mom. She died when I was three. Begin rut. I lived in a small town where I would get no where in.
Rut deepening. Then my dad me Patty, a lady that I did not get along with, and still don't. They got married in 1999 and we moved to Dunlap in 2000. I thought this was the worse thing that could ever happen to me. In reality it turned out to be one of the best things that happened in my life. I was never given the things that I wanted. I received the necessities and lived life. I didn't have any friends at school, but hey I was getting a damn fine education so it all worked out. When I turned 16 I found a job, got a vehicle and became my own person.

That was the turning point in my life. I realized that in order to be who I wanted, I had to have money to do it. And since my parents weren't giving it to me, I had to make it myself. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the way my Dad and Patty raised me. I don't rely on anyone but myself for the things I need in life. I know that I you put
your hands out and have big puppy eyes you will most likely get thrown to the street. You work for what you need. You work to live.

I thought that my rut would change once high school ended. Like all of my worries would just suddenly disappear. How naive I was. My worries had just begun. They were just more sophisticated than the ones that I had to deal with in high school. Paying for tuition, books, gas, juggling two jobs that pay shit. Granted I did some of that in high school too.

I came to a realization at ICC. The best realization that I could have. I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I knew that I wanted to do something in the Public Relations field. It didn't matter if I got paid alot or not. I just know that I like helping people and that was a great way to do it. I knew I was taking on alot of pressure when I decided to transfer. I knew I was disappointing people. But for this one time in my life, I wanted to do something for me. I wanted to make me happy.

I hurt so many people and did not realize how bad it would hurt them till recently. I fully regret how much hurt I brought them. But I had to be selfish. For once in my life. I had to get away from the negativity at home. I know you are thinking what negativity? But being in that house was the most stressful part of the day. I would rather have dealt with coked up customers at Bergners than deal with someone that is happy with you one minute and yelling at you the next for some stupid little thing.

I thought that I would have it easier here. And that most definitely was not the case. Not being able to find a job for a whole semester had me on pins and needles for a long time. I could have saved money and went to ICC and made a shit ton more money working my two jobs. I could have formed better relationships with the amazing people I just happened to meet right before I left. I could have done so many things. But ultimately I think I made the right decision.

I have a job with the university next semester. I have heard positive things about my RA interview and really really hope I get that job. I know I would be perfect for it. I know I think I do know. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on it. Although Jamie has put a good word in for me at Pemberton, and Miriam here at Taylor I still feel like I didn't do something well enough for them.

So I am getting a little bit out of a rut, and digging myself deeper at the same time. What a weird coincidence. Of course it could only happen to me.

I think I want to meet some new people too. Gain some more friends. I love my group of friends, but sometimes I wonder how I can only connect with a group of 7 when there are 12,000 or so people on this campus. I seem to connect more with people from home that I haven't met than I connect with people here I see everyday. (excluding my friends of course)


This all sounded much more put together in my head. I have had way to much time to think and procrastinate.
I have had too much time to watch TV shows and wish that the good things that happen to the people in the shows would somehow happen to me. I'm content with life. I don't know why I think I need more or why I want more from life.

I never ever believe people when they tell me the good things about myself. I don't know what it is, but I just can't take a compliment. I know I have a low self esteem, but sheesh, aren't girls suppose to be fishing for compliments all the time?
I don't know.
Someone told me this tonight and I don't know if I believe them or not.

"The truth is you have a great personality, you're funny. You have morals and views that you stand by. You work to give yourself an education and you're honest about stuff. You're not shallow. All this stuff would be great by itself but besides your great personality you are attractive as well. You try to play it off and say you don't care how you look or what you wear but it doesn't matter. You still look good. The only bad thing that is holding you back from your potential of being a super crazy amazing girl is your low self esteem which seems unnecessary to me"


This text message has made me think about a lot of things tonight. I am trying so hard to appreciate
myself and what I have to offer to someone. But it seems so futile to think like that when I don't see anyone wanting any of that from me personally.

I need to work on thinking about myself as someone that will make some guy extremely happy someday. I don't know if I will be able to make someone happy though, and I don't want to hurt anyone.


I don't know.
It's too late to be thinking about all of this.

I am...



Ambitious
Individual
Independent
Daughter
Sister
Aunt
Procrastinator
Self-Conscious
Friend
BEST Friend
Sophomore
Female
Loud
Caring
Responsible
Enemy

When you describe yourself it is either in
1. Personal characteristics
2. Groups/Organizations
3. Role Relationships

So I guess I forgot to tell some people my good news.
I got a job here for next semester
Yes, yes I am stoked. I am a Desk Assistant.
So basically I sit at a desk and do homework.

I make 7.75$ an hour, so it is like working
Bergners just wayyy less stressful.



I found my colored eyeliner recently.

I need to go get some more colors.
Also this picture makes me realize
how much I need a haircut.

I feel like I need to say something important.
But I can't think of anything.

OH NOW I REMEMBER!
I have my RA interview tonight.
I'm sooo worried about it.
I don't want to screw it up.
I want this job.
I really really do.



I still haven't unpacked.
It seems so futile, I'm just coming
home again in three weeks.

I've always wanted to get out of Illinois. I've always wanted to go to Europe
or Australia. Basically I just want to see the world. I kind of forgot about
that until Jamie mentioned that she and another girl in her dorm were going
to study abroad this summer. They just decided two days ago and that made me
remember how much I wanted to do that.

Not only could I study abroad and get school credits, I could do an
international internship. I have to do internships for my job anyway.
So why not kill two birds with one stone?

I know I can't even think of it this summer, especially if I do get the RA
job for next year. Then I have to save up money for all my bills since I
won't be able to have another job.

So that puts an internship back to after my Junior year. I feel like that
is too late. But I know most places want juniors/seniors for internships.

There is so much I don't know. So much I want to know. And it seems like
not a lot of time to figure it out.


I've had another one of these days

and I think it is going to be like that for awhile.
at least for the next three days.

I do not have an 8am class next semester.
Nor do I have a 9am.
I have 10 am classes on M/W/F
and 11 am classes on T/R

:D
I'm happy.
I'll be getting more sleep next semester.

And I can actually work a late job if I need to.

....
If any place hires me.
I hope I get the DA job
My interview is friday.
:D

There are few things about my roommate that piss me off. And I have been able to hold them off because I know she isn't informed. I'm not saying that all people from small towns are uninformed but she really is. I don't care what your political stance is. But some of the things that have come out of her mouth the last three days have surprised the hell out of me. When we found out he won she went to her computer and emailed her sister saying something along the lines of, I go to a predominately black school (which by the case isn't correct) and they are loud and partying right now. Gah, I would hope that people are happy about it. I don't care what race you are or what your political stance is. sheesh.

Then I came into the room today and she is on the phone with someone and she stated again that is is a predominately black school and when the votes were in she heard people on the other side of the hall say (in an accent too) "yeah gurrrll" which isn't true and thats their dialect. DUH! Then she said "i guess my silver lining is he will probably get assassinated" That is a direct quote. No joke.

yeah.

I'm sick of really bad music.

If I don't find a job soon.
I'll be back in Peoria before christmas.

I'm torn.
I want to be there.

But I don't.


I want my friends.
But I like it here.
I like my friends here.
I like the independence.

crap.
What a crappy week.
I need thanksgiving to be here.

Have you ever wondered if life is just a series of relationships. Like you have your good times. Then things happen, life happens, and you are back at square one looking for new ones, or in a new group of friends? I have always wondered why some TV shows make being friends with the same people is so easy. It really is not. Things in life make you change your opinion about people. You move and lose touch, even though you all say you won't lose touch with each other. But the phone calls become fewer and far inbetween.

I have found myself in that position many times. The first time was when I moved. I had no one in the new town. I was a loner. Then I found one person to be friends with. All of my other "friends" were just the school people that you never see outside of school. I guess you can say in high school I found out that I didn't have much in common with my real friends and found myself in a new group of friends. They made my Junior and Senior year of HS so much happier then I had been since I moved. Then most of those friends left me for college and I found myself in my current circle of friends. These are the people I had been looking for all this time. It just took me getting out and around to find them.

I have found that since I came to school, many many people are just becoming those vacation friends. They say they miss you, they say they can't wait to see you. But they do not even try to stay in touch. They do not respond to your texts, calls, social networking sites. They just move on, until something bad happens then they come crawling back. That should not be how friends work. That is how acquaintances work. I have a shit ton of acquaintances.

I don't want my REAL friends to be "the vacation friends." The ones you call up and say "Hey I'm home for a week for *insert holiday here.* We should hang out, I miss you so much!"

We are all going in separate directions within the next year. We are all looking for things bigger and better then what we have at the moment. Our dreams are so big, each and every one of us has big expectations for our futures.

I feel like I cut short the good times. Like I am just being selfish, trying to be this person I thought I needed to be right this minute. Don't take this the wrong way, I love it here. I love the people I have met. And I love where this is going to take me. I just don't want to say ten years from now.. Man I should have been at ICC a little longer, spent some more time with those people that make my world go round.

I don't know.
I want to always have you girlies in my life.
And boys too.
But I know for a fact that a lot of us are going to do wayy different things.
Some may stay in Central Illinois.
Some will go off to other countries.
Some to other cities and states.

I also want my groups of friends from school and home to be friends.
I want too much.